WASHINGTON, D.C. — On the heels of a fresh sighting of Bigfoot in the mountains of Colorado, new reports have arisen of the creature — the existence of which has long been debated — being spotted lumbering around the National Mall in front of the U.S. Capitol.
"We've never seen him this up close before!" marveled biologist Dr. Isaac Yankem. "This not only proves the existence of Bigfoot after decades of intense speculation but also indicates its migration patterns have extended far beyond the Pacific Northwest and the Rocky Mountain region. Look at the size of this feral beast!"
Witnesses reported seeing the enormous creature trudging around the Capitol complex while wearing a pair of baggy shorts and a hooded sweatshirt. "I didn't expect him to be wearing clothes," said eyewitness Virgil Runnels. "Though it seemed to ‘humanize' him a little bit, he was still a terrifying sight to behold. Somewhat sentient and intelligent, but also clearly a wild, unpredictable beast. A living creature, certainly, but obviously not capable of judgment, rational thought, or sound decision-making."
While the reports seemed to confirm Bigfoot's presence in the nation's capital, critics disputed whether or not these sightings matched previous accounts. "Isn't Bigfoot supposed to be all hairy?" asked one skeptic. "These reports say the huge, lumbering creature wanding through the Capitol was bald. That doesn't seem to add up, but maybe this is some previously undiscovered hairless variant of the species."
At publishing time, new reports had begun to filter in that Bigfoot had recently been seen giving a television interview to late-night host Stephen Colbert.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
