OMAHA, NE — Local man John Falco received the tragic news today from his doctor that all the things happening to his body are completely normal, he's simply 40 years old now.
"Absolutely devastating," said Mr. Falco as his wife hugged him tearfully. "I can't believe everyone lives like this. I figured I had like, pneumonia, hepatitis and severe rheumatoid arthritis all at the same time. Turns out this is just getting old."
Mr. Falco initially made the appointment upon awakening to unimaginable soreness after having gone for a brisk walk the day before. "I got sore from walking. WALKING!" said a distraught Mr. Falco. "Then the next night, I ate a cheeseburger. I'm up HALF THE NIGHT with my chest burning so bad, I still believe the burger was soaked in battery acid. I'm wearing nose strips to breathe, I fell asleep on my kid's floor halfway through Goodnight Moon, this can't be normal!!"
Despite Mr. Falco's many protests, Dr. Brandon Willliams repeatedly assured that everything he was experiencing was, in fact, normal. "It's a real shocker to the young fellas," said Dr. Williams. "They come in ready for you to prescribe some miracle cure, and all I do is welcome them to this little thing called 'life'. Then, just to mess with them, I tell them they need a stat colonoscopy and pull out my old camcorder taped onto a broomstick. Ha! What a classic."
At publishing time, Mr. Falco had finally accepted his status as an old man and taken up pickle ball.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
