MOSCOW — Military experts believe the Russian war effort may be in trouble after Vladimir Putin was seen attempting to teach polar bears how to drive tanks.
"No, no you dumb bear! You move turret, not tank!" Putin was heard shouting. "Now bear, you reach down and - did you just eat the gearshift? Bad bear!"
A military debacle from the outset, Russia's invasion has gone from bad to worse as Ukraine's counter-offensive has pushed the depleted Russian army backwards. "We got off to a bad start when our tanks ran out of gas twelve hours into the war," said Russian soldier Fyodor Petrov. "How does a nation that just sells gas forget to pack gas? That is what Americans call irony, no? But now it is getting worse. Half our soldiers die from bombs, and then Putin shoots the ones that survive because he's mad about how many already died from bombs. We are - how do you say - screwed?"
Having killed most of his remaining officers, Putin has been forced to resort to unorthodox means to fill the ranks. "I open jail cells, send prisoners to war - all dead. I invite nice Chechen terrorists to come join us - all dead too," said a forlorn Putin. "With everyone fleeing the draft, now I have to go to the zoo and see what I can get. The mongoose is not too bad on the machine gun, actually."
At publishing time, a frustrated Mr. Putin decided to just launch some nukes, but then realized he already had the people who knew how to launch the nukes all killed.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.