If you've ever wondered if you should leave a church, wonder no more – The Babylon Bee is here to help! Here are 10 solid, biblically-defensible excuses for leaving a church that's not serving you enough:
- They buy their coffee beans from Costco: +10 points for going whole-bean, but -200 points for going Kirkland Signature. Disgusting! You may as well have gone Folgers or Gevalia!
- Their Wi-Fi isn't strong enough to check your fantasy football lineup during service: Priorities, people!
- The guy doing announcements asks you to stand up and introduce yourself: This is really insensitive to the introvert community. You didn't come to church to talk! Boundaries, people!
- The bulletins always have spelling mistakes: If they get the little things wrong, who knows what else they're getting wrong, hmmmmm?
- The sermon calls you to repent of your sins, be forgiven, and live forever with Christ: This seems invasive for a first impression, not to mention all the pressure for "membership" and "accountability." What is this, a cult?
- The elder board won't add your multi-colored end-times chart to the church by-laws: Another reason we should go with "congregational rule" instead of "elder rule" – the customer is always right!
- Someone confronted you about your incessant complaining about the services and slandering of the leaders: Not very loving or affirming. I even heard they asked one of the leaders to step down after he disqualified himself – again, not very inclusive behavior. Red flag, leave immediately!
- You weren't invited to lead worship on your first day: Do they even care about people using your spiritual gifts? That double-necked flying-V guitar would sure beat their lame worship leader's pathetic acoustic set…
- They've asked you to stop blowing your trumpet before you drop your crumpled bills into the offering plate: We want to receive our reward now!
- The movie clips are all from outdated movies: When the film clips are from pre-1985 franchises, the pastor doesn't have a decent 5-10 minutes of stand-up material, and he doesn't even have a decent-looking pair of shoes, it seems like we need to look for a deeper integrity issue. Aren't there ‘qualifications for elders' or something to prevent these oversights??
And there you have it. Trust us, the list could go on and on – serving, sacrificing, and growing with a community is overrated, so use any old excuse you can find to find a church that serves you – as the old Sunday School song says, "that's what it's all about!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
