EL PASO, CO — The U.S. Air Force has continued its initiative for a more inclusive, and gender-neutral military by removing all flight sticks from their planes — effective immediately.
"The flight control stick is yet another oppressive symbol of the Patriarchy and its incessant will to dominate and control others. And it's shaped like a phallus. That's why we are happy to announce that this outdated, bigoted relic is being removed from all aircraft today," said General Pat Leslie (they/them) while ripping out another flight stick and stomping it to dust. "We believe in an equitable, gender-neutral environment. An environment where hate has no place in our cockpits — our erm personpits!"
This move by the Air Force has been praised by democrats and the media for making such a bold, powerful, and progressive statement with this change. Many stated that they hope to see other divisions of the U.S. military follow suit and remove gear shifters from all military ground vehicles.
According to sources, implementing the "no flight control sticks in planes" rule has not been without its challenges. Reports indicate birthing persons and prostate owners have been wrecking the planes before takeoff at twice their normal rate.
At publishing time, the U.S. Air Force received intel that they needed to scramble planes to intercept incoming hostile aircraft, but they were having trouble getting their planes to lift off while being controlled by a steering wheel.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
