WASHINGTON, DC — The expert codebreaking team at the NSA is working to decipher all the statements Biden made in his speech today, which the White House has promised to walk back as soon as they figure out what on earth he was saying.
"We have all our top minds and most powerful AI working around the clock to determine what Biden meant when he said 'The Republicans are taking credit for the budsdacunclapsn.'" said Special Agent Buggs Derpflibbit. "Whatever he meant, I think we are confident in saying the official White House position is exactly the opposite."
"Lebbinkrurumplit!" said Biden in response to the news. "Gargbargentwaddle iddit blargh simlaqupple!"
Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre confirmed to reporters that Biden really meant to remind the American people that the economy is doing great, democracy is at stake in November, and climate change will kill everyone in 2 weeks. "Those are the official positions of the White House, and you should just assume that's what Biden is saying if you don't understand him," said Jean-Pierre.
NSA codebreakers got stuck, however, after attempting to decipher Biden's disturbing story about "having a history" with a female friend going back to when she was 12 and he was 30. "I'm not sure what to make of that," said Special Agent Derpflibbit. "It's possible he's just a major weirdo."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
