DES MOINES, IA — Authorities have been dispatched to a local residence after disturbing reports that a set of parents — who are clearly deranged psychopaths — lit a chocolate cake on fire and then gave it to an innocent child.
"What kind of sick individual does something like that?" said one onlooker, probably. "That kid could get hurt!"
Eyewitnesses report the cake, which was dangerously blanketed in red-hot fiery sticks protruding dangerously from its surface, was placed within inches of the boy's face as the mentally disturbed parents turned off the lights and sang a song.
Reports then say that 6-year-old Ethan Sanders stared at the glowing flames in front of him for a few seconds and appeared to be leaning in to blow out the candles before horrified bystanders intervened. "That kid is lucky we were there to blow out those candles for him," said one unnamed bystander, according to anonymous sources. "I can only imagine what may have happened if I hadn't intervened. Horrific."
Ethan's father, Greg, didn't understand what all the fuss was about. "It's his birthday! C'mon, people," the disturbed individual reportedly proclaimed before being dragged away by authorities. "What's the big deal? Where are you taking me?"
At publishing time, authorities had been called to the house once again after it was discovered that the child had been given a toy bow & arrows by a lunatic uncle as a birthday gift.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
