WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid lawlessness, human tragedy, and 750,000 people preparing to rush the southern border this Thursday, President Biden talked to the press and assured the American people that someone in his administration is probably going to do something about it.
"Listen, folks, stop your worryin'," said the President calmly. "I'm pretty sure someone, somewhere on my staff is looking into this. Who's that lady I made Border Czar? Camel Hairs? Is that her name? Yeah, maybe her. I don't know. They told me to say everything was fine. I'm sure at least one person on my staff is totally on top of this. Everything's fine, folks! Fine as frog's hair! They said I could have ice cream if I said that. Where's my ice cream?"
Reporters reached out to VP Kamala Harris for elaboration, but she responded by laughing for 5 minutes straight and hanging up the phone. Other members of the President's cabinet were unavailable for comment.
At publishing time, sources confirmed a guy named "Steve" has been assigned to secure the border before Title 42 ends this Thursday, but no one could find him.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
