Alright, SIMPS! These days, it's getting harder and harder to find any real men. Not guys who are "in touch with their feelings" or "enjoy a good pair of barefoot wingtip shoes" — we're talking real-deal, manly men. If you want to be a testosterone-filled HIGH-VALUE bro, you need to keep a sharp eye out for any signs of wussiness and purge them from your body immediately.
The Babylon Bee has put together this list of warning signs that you are a PATHETIC BETA.
- Ordering a filet instead of the 42-oz. tomahawk: "Filet" is a French word. A tomahawk is a type of axe. Eat a real steak, bro.
- You once thought about petting a cat: Really? A cat? C'mon. SOFT.
- You open the door for a lady: Weaksauce, bro! Man up and slam it in her face.
- You wear an oven mitt to take hot things out of the oven: Real men aren't afraid to melt their fingerprints off.
- You asked for help while bench-pressing 225: Might as well join the SPIN class, woman.
- Somebody taking your picture said "Say cheese!" and you said "Cheese!": Do you always just do whatever anyone tells you? You look like a doofus, Steve.
- You emitted a sound of pain the last time someone stabbed you: Show some pain tolerance, man. What are you, a woman? So lame.
- You use a lighter to start a fire: You've abandoned thousands of years of manly, old-school fire-starting tradition.
- You kissed a girl who has kissed another man before you met; therefore, you kissed a dude: How's it feel, dude-kisser?
- You cried at any point in your life other than the end of Gladiator: We will also accept Saving Private Ryan or Master & Commander.
If you see yourself anywhere in the list above, you better start sweating and producing some testosterone before it's too late, sweetheart.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.