Alright, SIMPS! These days, it's getting harder and harder to find any real men. Not guys who are "in touch with their feelings" or "enjoy a good pair of barefoot wingtip shoes" — we're talking real-deal, manly men. If you want to be a testosterone-filled HIGH-VALUE bro, you need to keep a sharp eye out for any signs of wussiness and purge them from your body immediately.
The Babylon Bee has put together this list of warning signs that you are a PATHETIC BETA.
- Ordering a filet instead of the 42-oz. tomahawk: "Filet" is a French word. A tomahawk is a type of axe. Eat a real steak, bro.
- You once thought about petting a cat: Really? A cat? C'mon. SOFT.
- You open the door for a lady: Weaksauce, bro! Man up and slam it in her face.
- You wear an oven mitt to take hot things out of the oven: Real men aren't afraid to melt their fingerprints off.
- You asked for help while bench-pressing 225: Might as well join the SPIN class, woman.
- Somebody taking your picture said "Say cheese!" and you said "Cheese!": Do you always just do whatever anyone tells you? You look like a doofus, Steve.
- You emitted a sound of pain the last time someone stabbed you: Show some pain tolerance, man. What are you, a woman? So lame.
- You use a lighter to start a fire: You've abandoned thousands of years of manly, old-school fire-starting tradition.
- You kissed a girl who has kissed another man before you met; therefore, you kissed a dude: How's it feel, dude-kisser?
- You cried at any point in your life other than the end of Gladiator: We will also accept Saving Private Ryan or Master & Commander.
If you see yourself anywhere in the list above, you better start sweating and producing some testosterone before it's too late, sweetheart.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
