10 Warning Signs You're A Pathetic Beta Male
Lifestyle · May 8, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

Alright, SIMPS! These days, it's getting harder and harder to find any real men. Not guys who are "in touch with their feelings" or "enjoy a good pair of barefoot wingtip shoes" — we're talking real-deal, manly men. If you want to be a testosterone-filled HIGH-VALUE bro, you need to keep a sharp eye out for any signs of wussiness and purge them from your body immediately.

The Babylon Bee has put together this list of warning signs that you are a PATHETIC BETA.

  1. Ordering a filet instead of the 42-oz. tomahawk: "Filet" is a French word. A tomahawk is a type of axe. Eat a real steak, bro.
  2. You once thought about petting a cat: Really? A cat? C'mon. SOFT.
  3. You open the door for a lady: Weaksauce, bro! Man up and slam it in her face.
  4. You wear an oven mitt to take hot things out of the oven: Real men aren't afraid to melt their fingerprints off.
  5. You asked for help while bench-pressing 225: Might as well join the SPIN class, woman.
  6. Somebody taking your picture said "Say cheese!" and you said "Cheese!": Do you always just do whatever anyone tells you? You look like a doofus, Steve.
  7. You emitted a sound of pain the last time someone stabbed you: Show some pain tolerance, man. What are you, a woman? So lame.
  8. You use a lighter to start a fire: You've abandoned thousands of years of manly, old-school fire-starting tradition.
  9. You kissed a girl who has kissed another man before you met; therefore, you kissed a dude: How's it feel, dude-kisser?
  10. You cried at any point in your life other than the end of Gladiator: We will also accept Saving Private Ryan or Master & Commander.

If you see yourself anywhere in the list above, you better start sweating and producing some testosterone before it's too late, sweetheart.

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.

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