Heavenly Father - thank you that I, David French, am so much more righteous than all the other white evangelicals in the world.
It is such a deep privilege, every Lord's Day, to publicly proclaim in the pages of the New York Times how stupid and bigoted white evangelicals are - with one exception (me, David French). What a gift it is to be me.
Yes, I thank you Lord! Thank you that I am not like those evil "Christians" who declined the COVID vaccine. From my seat atop this shining hill of righteousness, I can write articles declaring those fellow Christians to be selfish, defiant, and ignorant - in other words, the opposite of me, David French. Gosh, am I thankful to be me.
Lord, I thank you also that I am not like those stupid, low-life, white evangelicals who voted for Donald Trump. No true Christian (like me, David French) could vote for Trump for any reason - not even to save babies from being murdered through abortion. If there was a baby literally about to be murdered, and I had to vote for Donald Trump to save the baby's life - how thankful I am to be righteous enough to refrain from voting for that man! To choose otherwise is simply indefensible for anyone who claims to be a Christian. That is why I, David French, spend every Sunday writing articles that berate the faith of white evangelicals. The world must hear that I have looked upon the faith of my fellow evangelicals and found that all have fallen short of the righteousness of David French.
Father God, I thank you that I, David French, whose JAG officer boots have bravely touched the sands of Iraq, am not even like those foolish evangelicals who do not want kids exposed to porn, or to have kids' genitals mutilated. Thank you that I have real principles, principles that do not budge even if children are harmed. While these imbecilic Christians pass laws to protect kids, I stand firm on the rock - the rock of not imposing on parents who wish to abuse their children. Thank you Lord!
What a gift it is to be me (David French).
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
