WASHINGTON, D.C.—In anticipation of Trump's upcoming announcement of who he will nominate to the Supreme Court, the Democrats have posted a nationwide job listing for believable accusers to tarnish the reputation of whoever Trump nominates. The best candidates from all applicants will be invited to a casting call in D.C. to show off their "believable accusation" ability.
"We know that whoever Trump nominates will be an evil, mean, bad person," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "That's just the kind of man Trump is. He hangs around evil, mean, bad people and he nominates them too. To prove this and save our democracy, we are hiring several believable witnesses to accuse Trump's nominee of whatever they probably did."
Listings have been purchased on ZipRecruiter, Monster, LinkedIn, and Craigslist.
Interested candidates will have just a few days to submit their applications before the Senate hearing. At the casting call, they will be judged on their ability to cry on command while telling a horrific story of abuse on camera.
"We need brave patriots to step up and save our country by destroying the life of this nominee," said Nancy Pelosi before pausing awkwardly. "um... Good morning! Sunday morning!"