WASHINGTON, D.C. — Upon hearing of Senator Fetterman's hospitalization due to a car crash in Maryland, several Democrats expressed hope that any head injuries sustained by Fetterman would be enough to make him a Democrat again.
"I wish the Senator well and am anxiously awaiting his first statement following the accident to see if he's gone…squishy again," Senator Chuck Schumer told the press. "We could really use his pre-stroke mental illness in the Senate right now. Hopefully, his head hit the dashboard hard enough for him to stop supporting Israel and start supporting terrorists like a good Democrat."
Sen. Fetterman and his wife were involved in the crash this weekend in Maryland. The Senator was treated at a nearby hospital for a bruised shoulder and released later the same day. Democrats report they are watching closely to see if Fetterman sustained any significant brain damage, a move they say could push him back closer to their party platforms.
"It's been discouraging to see how much John has moved away from our party's positions in the past few months," Schumer said. "To hear him support Israel when he should be supporting burning down Israel is a real bummer. I hope he hit his head hard enough to knock a few of those brain cells out of him."
As of publishing time, Fetterman was still making sense, causing leading members of the Democratic Party to consider sending a hitman to really womp him over the head in an effort to liberalize him again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
