WASHINGTON, D.C. — As accusations continue to mount regarding the impartiality of the American justice system, U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland threatened to arrest anyone who said his Department of Justice was corrupt.

Though clear evidence was presented by many on the right of DOJ targeting political opponents with questionable charges and harsh sentences while ignoring illegal activity from people on the left, Garland vowed to bring the full weight of the federal government on anyone who dares to question his fairness.

"Anyone who questions the impeccable integrity of my Department of Justice is a danger to democracy and must be arrested," Garland said in a statement. "It's un-American to question my authority. And if you do, you probably need to be indicted for something or other. Don't worry, we'll find something."

Critics of the Justice Department pointed to Garland's statement as further proof of DOJ corruption. "So if I disagree with the conduct of the DOJ and accuse them of being corrupt, I'll get arrested?" asked outraged citizen Josh Norton. "I don't know… that sounds exactly like something a CORRUPT JUSTICE DEPARTMENT would say!"

Norton was then arrested by federal agents and placed in solitary confinement at an undisclosed location, where he will remain despite not being charged with a crime or receiving any official hearing.

At publishing time, the DOJ had attempted to prove its impartiality by presenting Hunter Biden with a $12 parking ticket.

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