WASHINGTON, D.C.—The nation rejoiced as a Democrat finally released something of substance yesterday.
Democrats have been criticized for not releasing statements or policy positions of any weight or substance recently, but Rep. Eric Swalwell changed all that last night, releasing something that definitely had some substance to it.
"Finally, the Dems are getting serious about pushing out things beyond just empty policy proposals," said one pundit after watching the footage of Swalwell. "It's encouraging to see some Democrats move beyond empty talking points and put the shards of a real, hefty policy platform together."
"I don't mean to raise a stink about this, but all these Dems still in the race are all vapor. They're all smoke and mirrors. I'm the real deal," the rep said, pointing to specific policy proposals he has that are much better than those of the candidates who are still in the race. For instance, while many Democrats have suggested passing a gas tax, Swalwell said he will cut out the middle man and just pass the gas.
Swalwell really dropped a bomb on Democrats' talking points, nuking his own party's crappy, vaporous ideas. "These Democrats are all full of hot air, just dangling in the wind. But not me. I'm just having an absolute blast, and I think real progressives will greet my ideas with thunderous applause when they see I'm really cooking with gas."
Swalwell also said he doesn't always weigh in on things, sometimes preferring the "silent but deadly" approach. "We really need to cut the crap and offer people something that doesn't smell fishy."
There was a real flap over Swalwell's comments, but most Dems agree it's time to flush out bad ideas and replace them with ideas that won't be poo-pooed by the masses.
"Sorry for my frankness," the rep said later. "But sometimes you just have to let it all out."
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