ST LOUIS, MO—In an ecumenical council convened in St. Louis last week, the use of decaf coffee was condemned as rank heresy.
The evangelical summit unanimously voted to define as heresy the "belief that decaf coffee is of any value, and good for anything other than being trampled under foot."
"It is a wolf in sheep's clothing. It devours the unsuspecting. It doesn't even taste good, for crying out loud," said renowned New Testament scholar NT Wright during the summit. "I call on Christians of all stripes to forcefully reject this imposter gospel."
The council rejected a motion to name Keurig K-cups anathema, claiming the use of such brewers falls under the umbrella of "Christian liberty." Pumpkin spice was also almost condemned, but that motion was narrowly defeated by the summit's female attendees.
Non-alcoholic beer was also condemned at the summit.