WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House and GOP announced a deal has been reached on the debt ceiling after Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy offered Biden two entire pints of chocolate chip ice cream.
"Biden almost budged for a waffle cone of vanilla," said White House aide Lacie Rogers. "When McCarthy came back with two pints of chocolate chip, it was game over."
After a months-long standoff over raising the government's debt limit, McCarthy decided to shift strategies with the clock winding down. "We literally needed a trillion-dollar breakthrough," said Speaker McCarthy. "That's when I heard the President's tummy rumble, and decided to call the 'Dairy Godmother'. I had to shoot my shot."
Although agreed to in principle, the debt ceiling deal must still pass through Congress. "Two pints?? Not on my watch!" said Senator Mike Lee of Utah. "One kiddie cone, I could understand. Vanilla or chocolate only, no toppings. But two pints chock full of delicious chocolate chips? That is far too steep a price for the American people to pay."
At publishing time, the American people had learned the breakthrough deal was that both Republicans and Democrats got to take turns whacking American taxpayers like a cash piñata.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.