LANCASTER, PA — According to sources, local husband Max Brosa was confused after finding a small, mysterious plastic device near an open package of bread on his kitchen counter.
"Hello, what's this?" said the man as he turned the strange thin gadget around in his hand. "I certainly don't remember purchasing such a oddly shaped little thing. What could possibly be its intended use? Is it some sort of data storage device, perhaps? Is it a key to a secret room? Whatever it is, I very much doubt it has anything to do with this open bread wrapper sitting before me on my kitchen counter."
"Honey! What's this thing for?" cried Brosa to his wife, who refused to answer his question and just rolled her eyes, presumably because she also didn't know what the bizarre little plastic clip-shaped thingy was for.
The man then placed the peculiar thing in the junk drawer so it would be handy when its intended use became known.
At publishing time, Brosa had grabbed the bread wrapper and expertly twisted the opening three times before tucking it under, like a normal person.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
