HEAVEN — According to sources in the celestial realm, God is scratching His head in wonderment that Democrats somehow managed to mess up California.
"You guys were literally given everything! How do you even do that?" said a spokesangel for the Almighty. "You have perfect weather, beautiful coastline, great surfing, skiing in the mountains, fish tacos, rolling vineyards, the list goes on. How on earth did you manage to take the most beautiful stretch of land on God's earth and turn it into a huge dump?"
"It doesn't make any sense."
Sources say Democrats in California took issue with the idea that they were to blame, claiming instead that everyone else was to blame and definitely not them or anything. "Yeah, it's like global warming and stuff," said Governor Gavin Newsom to a crowd of homeless meth heads on Pier 39. "And not enough taxes. If we had more taxes, all the things would be better."
Sources confirmed the host of Heaven is watching in amazement as people are actually leaving the beauty of California in the millions, choosing to live instead in places like Ohio and Florida. "We intended Ohio to be a place of torment for those who displease the Lord. We filled Florida with man-eating snakes and gators so mankind wouldn't live there," continued the spokesangel. "But somehow, Democrats have made those places actually look attractive to people. It's truly baffling."
At publishing time, God had finally decided to pour out his divine wrath after finding the Democrats had figured out how to ruin fish tacos.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
