WORLD — After a series of shocking unbiblical statements from the Supreme Pontiff, the Catholic Church officially distanced itself from Pope Francis.
"Honestly, we're not sure how this guy got in here to begin with," said a spokesperson for the Vatican. "We think there was some kind of mistake with the vote counting or something. It's weird. It's possible we accidentally elected some guy off the street who never read a Bible and he's been kissing babies and determining our theology for years. Boy, wouldn't that be embarrassing!"
Sources from the Vatican confirmed that they are convening to discuss what to do with Francis, and whether they can replace him without causing a schism in the Roman Catholic church.
"Whatever we do, we should probably get rid of this guy and find someone qualified," said the spokesperson. "Yesterday, I asked him what his favorite Psalm was and he said 'Piano Man.' This is not good."
At publishing time, Francis promised he would make up for his statements and actually read the Bible once he had finished Das Kapital Volume III.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
