SUNDERLAND, MD — After catching his teenage son looking at pornography, local father Daniel Gouge sat his son down for a heart-to-heart talk before meting out justice by giving him a copy of the latest swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, which features Martha Stewart on the cover.

"Son, women are not objects," Gouge said. "And I'm afraid the only way to help you understand that is by showing you Martha Stewart in a saucy bikini."

He added, "Look at her, son. She's 81. Older than grandma."

"Ugh, Dad! No! My punishment is too great to bear!" the 14-year-old reportedly cried out in despair. "Please don't make me look at Martha Stewart in a swimsuit! PLEASE!" Unfortunately for him, the matter had been settled by both his father and the cultural zeitgeist currently sweeping America.

Gouge left his son alone with the magazine to "think about what he had done."

At publishing time, Gouge had threatened his son that if it happens again, he will make him read a copy of the Victoria's Secret catalog featuring Megan Rapinoe.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.