KANSAS CITY, MO (NOT THE KS SIDE) – As the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America embraces a growing number of progressive positions, local Lutheran man Cliff Cliffstofferson wants to clarify that he is one of the weird ones who still believes The Bible.

Cliffstofferson identifies as a "practicing Lutheran," which is basically a non-practicing Catholic, but insists that as a member of The Lutheran Church Missouri Synod, he should not be associated with the rainbow-flag-waving heretics in the ELCA. "They allow gay marriage, they have female pastors, they let any riffraff off the street take communion, they even affirm transgender ideology," he says. "As a Lutheran who believes in the doctrine of Sola Scriptura, I accept the biblical condemnation of homosexuality,"

"But I don't hate gay people like the Westboro Baptist Lutheran Synod."

Cliffstofferson also wants to distance himself from the blasphemous practices of the other 40 Lutheran synods, such as the Canadian Lutheran Church, which says "sorey" instead of "sorry" when confessing sins, and the New Jersey Synod, which allows spray-tanning in church.

Although Cliffstofferson devoutly reads scripture, like many Lutherans his other Christian reading is lacking. When asked to name his favorite work by Martin Luther, Cliffstofferson replied, "Probably his ‘I Have A Dream' speech."

At publishing time, a member of the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod came forward to accuse Cliffstofferson of heresy since "the woke, leftist Missouri Synod allows women to vote."

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.