COLLEGE PARK, GA—”It’s the little things in life,” televangelist Creflo Dollar reportedly told his wife Tuesday while walking by a massive pile of money in the foyer of their Georgia mansion where they heap the church offering every Sunday so they can “just look at it for a few days,” pausing briefly to enjoy the distinct smell of the hundreds of thousands of dollars donated by deceived and gullible people last Lord’s Day.
“God doesn’t want us to just be going a mile a minute all the time, you know?” a reflective Dollar said as he lovingly put his arm around his wife and just enjoyed the moment without all the distractions and pressures of the world. “I’ve got all I need right here. Just me, you, and the ridiculous amount of cash people throw at us in hopes of getting healed from terrible diseases or becoming fantastically wealthy themselves.”
“Man, that was some special kind of harvest last Sunday, huh? Just look at it—wow. Thank you, Jesus,” he added.
Picking a crisp hundred dollar bill out of a freshly bundled stack, Dollar held the delicate bank note up to his nose and slowly inhaled. A smile grew across his face as he experienced the delightful, understated smell of other people’s hard-earned cash he had conned out of them.
“Sometimes, you just have to simplify,” he said, letting the bill fall to the exquisite marble flooring and admiring the way it fluttered to the ground before instructing one of his personal assistants to write down his pithy quote for sharing on social media later on.
“Sometimes, you just have to pause and remember why it is you do what you do,” he added thoughtfully, holding his wife’s hand as the couple walked out the front door toward their fleet of Rolls-Royces.
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.