New Harry Potter Box Set With Bonus Satanic Bible Breaks Pre-Order Records

U.S.—It’s a great time to be a Harry Potter fan. Scholastic Corporation announced Thursday afternoon a new version of its popular deluxe Harry Potter box set, which contains both the original seven works plus a helpful copy of the Satanic Bible by Anton LaVey.

According to a statement released by Scholastic, the publishing company has already sold “millions and millions” of units via its pre-order program, setting a new 24-hour record for pre-sales.

“We were finding that kids would finish the Deathly Hallows and still be pining for more,” a Scholastic representative said. “So we figured it would be helpful to include the next logical step: the authoritative text on Satanism, so kids can begin worshiping the Dark Lord right away.”

“We’re really encouraged by the sales results, too,” he continued. “It’s exciting to see young ones latch onto the teachings of Satanism.”

The set will also include a book of real spells for beginners, so those interested in practicing the Dark Arts can learn several rudimentary incantations before moving on to more advanced lessons. The handbook will teach young fans of Harry Potter and Hogwarts how to place hexes on class bullies, perform simple love charms, and even how to slaughter one’s enemies with the forbidden Avada Kedavra spell.

As soon as the sets were available for advanced purchase they sold out almost instantly on Amazon and every other major online retailer, providing further evidence of the connection between enjoying a story about children growing up in a wondrous land of magic and a desire to serve the armies of the underworld.

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