HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA — In a move destined to go down in history books and studied by generations many years from now, a courageous local man took a stand against tyranny by openly reading a banned book he found prominently displayed for sale in the "Banned Books" section of Barnes & Noble.
"How dare they try to keep people from reading this!" screamed Marty Jannetty as he stood near the entrance of the store and read a copy of This Book Is Gay. "Those fascists want to burn books and spread hate? Well, I'm not going to stand for it! See? I'm reading it! I'm reading it!"
Jannetty reportedly became agitated while browsing the store after discovering the shelves labeled "Banned Books," which were full of books that were entirely legal, available for purchase, and (in some cases) publicly celebrated by the store itself. "Yeah, I keep telling corporate that they need to rename that section," said Barnes & Noble employee Michael Hickenbottom. "We actively push these books to get customers to buy them, so they're obviously not banned. But it makes people really angry when you say they are, so yeah."
Jannetty continued his rant despite fellow customers and store employees trying to ignore him and go about their business. "I'm standing up against censorship and oppression!" he shouted to nobody in particular. "Those evil right-wingers won't destroy us! We won't stay silent!"
At publishing time, Jannetty had been escorted out of the store to make room as Barnes & Noble employees began setting up the "Banned Books" reading festival set to take place over the weekend.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
