U.S. - Conservatives are calling for a return to traditional strip clubs with no kids or drag queens present, marking a dramatic departure from modern sensibilities in favor of the simple old-fashioned deviancy they're used to.
"Back in my day, we had gentlemen's clubs full of classically sinful nude women," said Daryl Fibberweave, a conservative state senator. "But there were no kids! How are you supposed to blackmail a political opponent when their whole family is involved in your twisted fantasy? And there were no dudes in dresses, either! Whatever happened to the good old days?"
Republicans in Congress are proposing legislation called "The Traditional Strip-Club Values Protection Act" which will require all strippers to be women, all attendees to be over 21, and all congressmen who attend to get a free private dance.
"We need to return to the days when men were men who leered creepily at naked women in a smoke-filled room like proper gentlemen," said Fibberweave.
A new poll conducted by Fox News curiously reveals that only 52% of conservatives long for a return to classic strip clubs and 45%, all women, argue that they're all disgusting practices that need to end.
UPDATE: Conservatives have slightly evolved on the issue and are now willing to allow drag shows as long as they're traditional drag shows that don't groom kids.
UPDATE: Conservatives have again evolved on the issue and are willing to allow grooming as long as parents are notified.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
