WASHINGTON, DC — Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman checked himself into Walter Reed Medical Center in the nation's capital to seek treatment for clinical depression after coming to the realization that he was a member of the United States Congress.
"It just suddenly dawned on him," said a member of Fetterman's staff under the condition of anonymity. "This entire time, ever since winning the election in November, he thought he was on some type of fun fantasy trip. Once he realized he was now just another slimy politician, he got kinda bummed out."
Already struggling with the continuing effects of a stroke he suffered while on the campaign trail, Fetterman's condition has only declined, with those close to him fearing for his health. "He got so depressed and despondent that he started dressing in his even more casual hoodies and sweatpants," said another concerned staffer. "When he started wearing his sleeveless hoodies, we knew things were getting worse."
The Senator's wife, Gisele Barreto Fetterman, also expressed concern for her husband's well-being. "If anything were to happen to him, I don't know what I would do," she said as she carried boxes of her own belongings into Fetterman's office in the U.S. Capitol. "This is completely off-topic, but is it standard practice for spouses to be appointed in place of incapacitated members of Congress?"
At publishing time, Dr. Oz had also checked himself into the hospital for depression after seeing who he had lost the election to.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
