WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Congress has passed a trillion-dollar stopgap bill that will allow the federal government to continue functioning until about 2 p.m. tomorrow.

"That trillion dollars will buy us about eighteen hours to continue negotiating," said House Speaker Kevin McCarthy. "It's not much, but it's something."

The bill will reportedly allocate five hundred billion dollars to plant some trees, and four hundred billion dollars to study the effect of planting trees. One billion dollars will be used to pay for the Constitutionally legitimate functions of the government. The remaining roughly hundred billion dollars will be divided between slush funds and a giant pile for politicians to light on fire for funsies.

Having failed to get Republicans to agree on a long-term budget package, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy approached Democrats with the stopgap bill. "So I know you Democrats aren't huge fans of mine, but allow me to make my case to you in just one word: money," said Mr. McCarthy. "Guys, we won't get paid! Do you have enough cash for tonight's secret coke meeting? I know I don't. Sure, we have our differences, but let us lay all that aside for just one moment and remember what all of this is about. Money, money, money."

Democrats immediately broke out into cheers, followed McCarthy into the House chamber and passed the stopgap bill by an overwhelming margin, to the real shock of professional political pundits.

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.