PHOENIX, AZ — After years of being jailed with violent criminals, Buffalo Guy was kicking himself today for not simply pulling a fire alarm on January 6th to force Congress to evacuate.
"Seriously? I could have just pulled the fire alarm instead of going to all the trouble to dress like a buffalo and charge into the Capitol?" said an aghast Buffalo Guy. "Gosh, do I feel silly."
Buffalo Guy, known in some circles as Jacob Chansley, watched yesterday as Representative Jamaal Bowman demonstrated how to properly and legally commit a crime to delay Congressional proceedings. "So you pull the fire alarm, and then come up with some ridiculous excuse, like you thought the fire alarm was a doorknob," explained Mr. Bowman. "You could even say that you have lived your whole life under the impression that pulling a fire alarm is how you select Nacho Cheese Doritos out of the vending machine. It doesn't matter. They can have you on video committing the crime, and as long as you explain you're too dumb to understand what a fire alarm is, you're good to go! Have at it destroying Congress!"
At publishing time, millions of Americans had headed for D.C. to help continuously pull the Capitol fire alarm in hopes of stopping Congress from ever doing anything ever.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
