RALEIGH, NC — Local dad Kevin Sampson steeled his nerves as adrenaline coursed through his veins, every muscle fiber waiting to fire. Remote control at the ready, he dared any actor to even think about saying a naughty word, ready to mute the bad guy right out of existence.
"Just try me," whispered Mr. Sampson to himself, his two little girls on the couch by his side. "I'll take you out in less than half a second, hombre."
Mr. Sampson had reportedly honed his remote control skills for years, becoming one of the fastest draws in the West. "It takes decades to train these fast-twitch muscles," said Mr. Sampson. "I can make a Tarantino movie PG with these moves. Not even Samuel Jackson stands a chance against me."
At publishing time, Mr. Sampson had reached for some popcorn and completely missed multiple obscenities.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
