LEXINGTON, VA — Local man Jonathan Barnes, unsure of the efficacy of a single button push, mashed the crosswalk button seventeen times to be certain the message got through.
"Hm, doesn't seem to be doing anything," said Mr. Barnes, still staring at the unwavering "Don't Cross" hand. "Better press this sucker sixteen more times."
Despite having a working knowledge of electronics, Mr. Barnes felt completely unheard as the stoplight stubbornly remained green. "I bet this button is just a placebo," said Mr. Barnes, pressing it again. "It's just making me think that it's doing something, but really it's on a timer and this thing is worthless. It's a mechanism to keep the sheep happy," said Mr. Barnes, still hitting the button repeatedly. "Maybe I didn't press it hard enough, or for long enough. I better smack it again."
At publishing time, the "Walk" icon had come up just as Mr. Barnes realized that he actually needed to cross the street in the other direction.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
