AUSTIN, TX — In a shocking reversal from long-standing pro-life policies, the Texas legislature has decided that abortion can be legal in their state - as long as the unborn baby is issued an AR-15 to defend himself.
"It's only fair that them cute little babies being aborted be given some American-made firepower to make the fight a little more fair, I'll tell you what," said Governor Greg Abbott while signing the legislation. "Every Texas baby gets himself a 5.56 semi-automatic rifle with a 30-round mag! Yeehaw!"
According to the new law, every unborn child being brought to a Texas abortion clinic will be surgically issued a tiny AR-15, which will be placed in his tiny hand. Once a buzzer goes off, the abortionist will have only a few seconds to complete the abortion without being shot. Babies unable to grasp the tiny rifle due to disability will be allowed to call Kyle Rittenhouse to defend them.
According to sources, thousands of unborn babies released a statement saying: "Y'all ain't abortin' us! We fixin' to lit outta here in one piece, sure 'nuff! Yeehaw!"
Michael Simmons' doctor tells him he's obese and needs to lose some weight - but the patient has the perfect comeback: he's pregnant!