SAN FRANCISCO, CA — On the freshly scented avenues of San Francisco, a summit was held today between one of the most feared communist dictators in the world and President Xi.
"Glorious, Most Excellent Chairman, meet President Xi," said aides as Gavin Newsom shook hands with President Xi. "Please allow us to escort you through the streets of our communist utopia, freshly cleaned of poo and poors."
The iron-fisted tyrant showed Mr. Xi around San Francisco, pointing out all the private property he had seized or destroyed. "The truly satisfying part is when you openly show how the rules crushing their lives do not apply to you," explained Newsom. "Yes, Mr. Xi - you are far too soft psychologically on your subjects, trying to sell them on the idea that you are all serving a common cause in union. You must force them to serve your cause, while openly flaunting that you don't even believe in the cause and will do whatever you wish. That, my friend, is how you truly break their spirit."
An aide welcomed the dictator and Mr. Xi to the mansion where the summit would be held. "All of the poors have been thrown into Alcatraz, as you wished, oh Glorious and Wise Chairman," reported an aide to Mr. Newsom. "The entire staff of the French Laundry awaits you, flown in by chopper over the smoldering ruins of I-10."
At publishing time, President Xi had reportedly declined to play basketball with the dictator, having seen what happened to the last Chinese person who tried that.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.