45 Things Trump Is Promising For His Second Term
Politics · Nov 14, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

It's November! That means it's almost December, which means it's almost 2024, which means it'll eventually be election time. It'll be here before you know it, and former President Donald Trump has rolled out his ambitious agenda once he is inevitably re-elected.

Through top-secret sources, The Babylon Bee has obtained this list of 45 things Donald Trump is promising for his second term:

  1. Make America great again again
  2. Trade all Hollywood celebs for hostages in Gaza
  3. Put the dollar sign back in Kesha's name
  4. Remove the extra-innings ghost runner and pitch clock from baseball and exile Rob Manfred to Canada
  5. Make the southern border an epic American Ninja Warrior course so only the best ninja warriors get into the country
  6. Require all Marvel superheroes to be male
  7. Make McDonald's go back to the old yellow and red color scheme
  8. Launch a federal investigation into why Chrome uses so much RAM
  9. Ban iPad tipping
  10. Immediately declare war on California
  11. Revoke the license of anyone driving more than 5 MPH under the speed limit
  12. Require Starbucks baristas to wear badges stating they are either biologically male or biologically female
  13. Federal mandate that everyone play by the actual Monopoly rules with none of this woke "get money on Free Parking" garbage
  14. Only allow real boobs on the White House lawn
  15. Legalize shooting people if they take off their shoes on an airplane
  16. Remove the changing table from the presidential bathroom
  17. Re-designate June as "Heterosexual Pride Month"
  18. Paint epic flames on the sides of the presidential limo
  19. Ban talking on speakerphone in public
  20. Re-name Washington football team "Redskins" per request of an overwhelming percentage of Native Americans
  21. Ban the sale of firearm magazines that hold fewer than 30 rounds
  22. Grant Texas sovereignty
  23. Double the amount of Robert E. Lee statues nationwide
  24. Purchase Canada and make Trudeau pay for it
  25. Make talk-to-text in public punishable by hanging
  26. Require real estate agents to use the term "master bedroom" again
  27. Require watching all seasons of The Apprentice on the U.S. citizenship exam
  28. 7-Eleven will only be allowed to serve Big Gulps, nothing smaller
  29. Ban Taylor Swift from attending football games
  30. Appoint Buffalo Hat Guy head of Capitol security
  31. Take over Japan to secure sushi supply
  32. Make everyone involved in his prosecution wear giant banana costumes for the rest of their lives
  33. Declare Kid Rock's birthday a national holiday
  34. Designate Harvard University as a terrorist organization
  35. Secure the permanent return of the McRib
  36. Free the space aliens being held captive in Pentagon basement
  37. End the bloody civil war between North Dakota and South Dakota
  38. Sign Shohei Ohtani to a $600-million, 10-year contract with the Republican congressional softball team
  39. Cancel Amazon's Rings of Power
  40. Renew Amazon's Rings of Power just so he can cancel it a second time
  41. Fix Taco Bell's lettuce-to-cheese ratio
  42. Provide every household with a free gas stove
  43. Replace all water fountains with Diet Coke
  44. Require Henry Cavill's mustache to be re-applied via CGI in every frame of Justice League
  45. Break out of federal prison

Talk about an impressive agenda! Now, if Trump makes it back into the White House in a year, you'll know what to expect.


It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

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