It's November! That means it's almost December, which means it's almost 2024, which means it'll eventually be election time. It'll be here before you know it, and former President Donald Trump has rolled out his ambitious agenda once he is inevitably re-elected.
Through top-secret sources, The Babylon Bee has obtained this list of 45 things Donald Trump is promising for his second term:
- Make America great again again
- Trade all Hollywood celebs for hostages in Gaza
- Put the dollar sign back in Kesha's name
- Remove the extra-innings ghost runner and pitch clock from baseball and exile Rob Manfred to Canada
- Make the southern border an epic American Ninja Warrior course so only the best ninja warriors get into the country
- Require all Marvel superheroes to be male
- Make McDonald's go back to the old yellow and red color scheme
- Launch a federal investigation into why Chrome uses so much RAM
- Ban iPad tipping
- Immediately declare war on California
- Revoke the license of anyone driving more than 5 MPH under the speed limit
- Require Starbucks baristas to wear badges stating they are either biologically male or biologically female
- Federal mandate that everyone play by the actual Monopoly rules with none of this woke "get money on Free Parking" garbage
- Only allow real boobs on the White House lawn
- Legalize shooting people if they take off their shoes on an airplane
- Remove the changing table from the presidential bathroom
- Re-designate June as "Heterosexual Pride Month"
- Paint epic flames on the sides of the presidential limo
- Ban talking on speakerphone in public
- Re-name Washington football team "Redskins" per request of an overwhelming percentage of Native Americans
- Ban the sale of firearm magazines that hold fewer than 30 rounds
- Grant Texas sovereignty
- Double the amount of Robert E. Lee statues nationwide
- Purchase Canada and make Trudeau pay for it
- Make talk-to-text in public punishable by hanging
- Require real estate agents to use the term "master bedroom" again
- Require watching all seasons of The Apprentice on the U.S. citizenship exam
- 7-Eleven will only be allowed to serve Big Gulps, nothing smaller
- Ban Taylor Swift from attending football games
- Appoint Buffalo Hat Guy head of Capitol security
- Take over Japan to secure sushi supply
- Make everyone involved in his prosecution wear giant banana costumes for the rest of their lives
- Declare Kid Rock's birthday a national holiday
- Designate Harvard University as a terrorist organization
- Secure the permanent return of the McRib
- Free the space aliens being held captive in Pentagon basement
- End the bloody civil war between North Dakota and South Dakota
- Sign Shohei Ohtani to a $600-million, 10-year contract with the Republican congressional softball team
- Cancel Amazon's Rings of Power
- Renew Amazon's Rings of Power just so he can cancel it a second time
- Fix Taco Bell's lettuce-to-cheese ratio
- Provide every household with a free gas stove
- Replace all water fountains with Diet Coke
- Require Henry Cavill's mustache to be re-applied via CGI in every frame of Justice League
- Break out of federal prison
Talk about an impressive agenda! Now, if Trump makes it back into the White House in a year, you'll know what to expect.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
