WASHINGTON, D.C. — After viewing Jill Biden's newly-released holiday video, Chinese President Xi ordered the total ground invasion of the United States. According to sources, it was the dancing flower man who finally forced Xi's hand.
"I've seen enough," said Xi as the video of a garishly dressed man in a onesie with a purple flower atop his head shimmied on the screen in front of him. "America must not be allowed to survive. This weed must be culled."
"And what are these costumes, anyway? Why do all the dancers have those terrifying looks on their faces? Are they on that fentanyl we keep sending them?"
American civilians are reportedly eager to get the Chinese invasion and subsequent occupation over with. "Beats Biden's America," said local farmer Jim Jorbin of Kansas. "And the Chinese seem to know a great deal about self-respect and honor. Maybe it's better this way."
At publishing time, all 535 members of Congress unanimously voted to impeach President Biden for the horrifying video.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
