BOSTON, MA — On Wednesday, a bouncer specially trained to detect variances in skin color and ethnicity was appointed by Boston Mayor Michelle Wu to keep the whites away from a minority-only holiday party.

"Whoa, whoa, buddy. Do I detect Scottish ancestry?" the bouncer said as he roughly grabbed white City Council Member Frank Baker. "Look at the sign! No Whites allowed!"

To aid in his duties, the bouncer reportedly utilized a flashlight, a skin color card, and a background in anti-racist studies.

Though white people weren't formally invited, invitations made their way to them by mistake. To maintain the racial integrity of the party, Mayor Wu was forced to use taxpayer funds to hire a bouncer who violently removed anyone with an insufficient amount of melanin in the skin.

"Look, I'm just doing my job," the bouncer said, speaking on condition of anonymity. "I just have a gift for sniffing out white people. It is both a gift and a curse."

The Electeds of Color Holiday Party was held at the Parkman House across the street from Boston Common, America's oldest park — where Martin Luther King Jr. spoke out against segregation 58 years ago. "He would be so proud of how far we've come," explained black City Councilman Brian Worrell.

At publishing time, it was discovered that Mayor Wu had instituted the color rule to prevent her white husband from attending and seeing her flirt with her interns.

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