U.S. — Construction companies have reportedly been contracted by the nation's top universities to fabricate attics for Jewish students to hide in during violent antisemitic rallies.
"We could probably stop allowing these violent, racist rallies," said Dean of Students Adolf Al Najjar at Cal State San Bernardino. "But if we don't give our more racist students a safe outlet to chant 'kill the jews' that wouldn't be abiding by the principles of free speech."
"And we're all about free speech here on campus."
Though numerous campuses feature buildings with attic space, those areas are used for important storage. As is, there's just no room for Jews, at least not until additional attics are built.
"We're going to have so many attics you'll never be able to find our Jewish students," said Yale's Vice President for Facilities Achmed Rommel. "Unless you check the attic, I guess. Maybe we didn't think this through."
The Jewish community expressed offense at the new construction program, insisting that they are real human beings and shouldn't be forced to go into hiding just because a bunch of antisemitic professors has encouraged an environment of hate on college campuses.
Harvard Professor Adolf Al Najjar took offense to Jewish offense and argued this point, "If students aren't allowed to freely call for the death of Israel, it might never happen."
At publishing time, colleges also graciously offered to open up some space for Jews under the floorboards.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
