WASHINGTON, D.C. — A crowd of onlookers gathered outside a local pizza parlor today as 76 sacrificial goats were delivered in preparation for former First Lady Hillary Clinton's birthday party.
"This has been a beloved Clinton tradition for decades," said a spokesperson for the family. "Hillary Clinton has served our country with impeccable moral character her whole life, so it's nice to honor her every year with a night of pizza, human trafficking, and eldritch incantations as the blood of a goat is spilled under the light of a waxing moon. Nothing weird about that."
The pizza parlor serving as the location for the party, Comet Ping Pong, has long been a popular place for Washington powerbrokers to hang out and eat pizza in dark hidden rooms with children. "We're honored to be hosting the Clintons once again," said Comet Ping Pong assistant manager Kevin Sullivan. "Nothing weird or untoward going on here at all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go help take the 76 sacrificial goats down to the basement. If someone comes to deliver a satanic altar with indecipherable runes carved into it, please tell him I'm downstairs."
Several other trucks were seen at the site as well, unloading torches, red robes, and Sam Smith.
At publishing time, several curious onlookers had been subdued by armed guards and hauled away, with one Secret Service agent claiming they were having thoughts of suicide.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
