CINCINNATI, OH — A local woman has expressed frustration with her current 8-5 job as Category Buyer I at Kroger corporate headquarters, noting that it sure would be nice if there were some kind of job where she could work from home and do stuff she enjoys like baking, sewing, or taking care of babies.
"That sure would be nice," said the wistful young woman as her eyes drifted up from her work for a moment, earning her a formal write-up from management. "Oh well, there are literally no other life choices I could have made."
The woman, who asked to remain anonymous so her employer wouldn't think she was unhappy in any way and therefore not consider her for promotion to the lucrative position of Category Buyer II, said she was grateful for the opportunity to study spreadsheets all day and purchase equipment for her corporate overlords to save them a few pennies instead of spending all her time at home doing things that made her feel fulfilled.
"My job is important probably," she said. "So I guess I shouldn't be complaining. It would just be kind of cool if taking care of the house could be my job since I have to do it anyway. Instead, I'll just keep climbing the corporate ladder while giving half the effort at home because I don't have energy by the time I get off work."
At publishing time, the female employee was passed over for promotion again because management had never been serious about it in the first place and had been dangling it in front of her like a carrot on a stick so she wouldn't take vacation. But it's okay because there is literally nothing else she could be doing with her life.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
