U.S. — The Pulitzer Committee has awarded CNN its most prestigious prize for outstanding achievements in the field of deleting stories about Kamala Harris.

"We are incredibly honored," said CNN President Mark Thompson. "Our team has worked around the clock wiping out every story in existence about Kamala from before ten days ago, and it's just really nice to see that hard work recognized."

Though several media organizations made valiant efforts to memory-hole all record of Kamala's prior existence, the Pulitzer Committee ultimately felt that CNN was a cut above. "No one else has shown such total commitment to annihilating their own previous stories about Kamala," said Committee Chair Larson Brim. "They are in there smashing servers and literally lighting their own work on fire in a glorious blaze. You can search their site and never know Kamala ever held political office before July 2024. It's inspiring."

According to sources within CNN, every journalist on staff has been temporarily assigned to full-time work destroying all record of Kamala Harris' prior existence. "The best way to defend Kamala's record is to incinerate all traces of her record," explained Thompson. "We believe so strongly in her competency that we are going to shred every piece of evidence of every job she has ever held. It's what journalism is all about."

At publishing time, CNN had been awarded another Pulitzer for its excellent work in the area of deleting stories about the Trump assassination attempt.

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