HATTIESBURG, MS — Local woman Sarah Donaldson informed her husband Jeremy that she was almost ready to leave, alerting him that he had time to watch at least one extended-edition Lord of the Rings movie.
"Welp, guess I'll start with Fellowship," said Mr. Donaldson, settling into the couch. "She's at least dressed, so may not make it through The Two Towers. We'll see."
According to sources, Frodo has made it to Mordor on at least one previous occasion when Mrs. Donaldson announced to her husband that she was "almost ready." While her use of the phrase "be right there" appears to be correlated to a typical feature-length film, Mrs. Donaldson's "almost being ready" consistently lands in Lord of the Rings territory.
After learning that his wife was almost ready to go out to dinner, Mr. Donaldson began deciding what to go ahead and eat at home. "No way I can wait until we get to the restaurant," said Mr. Donaldson. "I could make a lasagna from scratch, or maybe smoke a brisket. I could probably teach myself to make dumplings. It's gonna be a bit."
At publishing time Mrs. Donaldson had updated her husband that she just needed to use the bathroom, and then she'd be ready to go, helpfully notifying him that he could probably finish The Two Towers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
