WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following socialist dictator Nicolás Maduro's use of military force to maintain political power after an election in which the opposition seemed to have won by more than 30 percentage points, Americans across the United States have expressed their extreme relief that socialists rigging elections is a phenomenon confined to Venezuela.
According to numerous US citizens, socialists cheating in elections and undercutting the will of the people is an "unimaginable abomination." Over 98% of Americans polled say they are "incredibly grateful" that it could never happen in America.
"Oh, yeah, it's absolutely tragic what's going on down there," said Steve McGannon, an American citizen. "I'm so glad we live in a country where socialists would never dare to steal elections. I mean, imagine if one of our political parties were to harvest ballots, insist on non-citizens voting, use underhanded methods to secure an election, and brand anyone questioning voting integrity an "extremist conspiracy theorist," all in the name of safe and secure elections. I'm so glad that sort of thing only happens in countries like Venezuela — could never be the US, am I right?"
Republican leaders across the country have taken a strong stance on the matter by issuing extremely strongly worded tweets, and then going off to play golf at the country club. When asked for comment, several prominent Democrats blushed coyly and assured the American people that they would never do such a thing.
At publishing time, Americans had started giving thanks that graphically inappropriate displays of public nudity only happened in godless places like Paris.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
