CAMBRIDGE, MA — Following the courageous example of USC, which just banned the word "field" for its racist connotations, Harvard University has announced they will no longer allow students or faculty to use the word "Harvard" due to its own tragic history of racism.
"Sadly, this very university, which shall not be named, was built on a foundation of white supremacy, misogyny, nationalism, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, xenophobia, slavery, white people, men, white men, Christian white men, and all the other bad stuff," said Sheree Ohen of the Harvard University Office for Equity, Diversity, Inclusion, and Gay Stuff. "I was also heartbroken to discover that Harvard's campus has several areas of green grass known as 'fields.' It's disgusting."
Ohen was then hauled before a disciplinary committee for accidentally using the word "field."
At publishing time, Harvard had announced they had discontinued use of the entire rest of the English language due to its history of colonialism.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
