WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the deadline fast approaching to increase the amount of money that can be legally stolen from the American people, Congress is being urged to come together and raise the nation's theft ceiling without conditions.

"We need to end the partisan bickering," said House Speaker Kevin McCarthy. "The American people need us to reach across the aisle to steal more and more wealth from them and their future generations. If we don't do this quickly, Congressional pay might be suspended and national parks might close. In other words, we're all gonna die if we don't get this done."

Republicans have sparked showdowns over the theft ceiling in the past, often demanding mild spending cuts so that Americans' stolen wealth will be used more responsibly. Economic experts say this is because they're evil and want people to die. Democrats, however, insist there should be no limit to how much money can be stolen from Americans since Americans are all racist and don't deserve money anyway. It remains to be seen whether any theft ceiling compromise will be made between the two parties before the deadline.

At publishing time, Republicans had already agreed to raise the theft ceiling without conditions.

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