SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Badly shaken eyewitnesses are providing disturbing reports that the “Singles Together” singles group of CrossBreeze Christian Church may be significantly less attractive than portrayed on the church’s website.
“I clicked on the ‘Singles Ministry’ link, and I thought, ‘This is amazing!’" said CrossBreeze visitor Trevor Hopper. “It looked like it could’ve been pictures from the launch party for Zendaya’s perfume. Or a Fox News anchor luncheon.”
But after being shown to the singles classroom at CrossBreeze, Mr. Hopper faced the shocking reality.
“I honestly thought they’d taken me to the wrong room,” said Hopper. “I didn’t know there were that many calf-length denim skirts left in America. I looked around really hard, and for a second, I thought I saw an 8 or 9 on the other side of the room, but it turns out it was just a poster for God’s Not Dead 2.”
Reports from female eyewitnesses are equally disconcerting. Victoria Cruz, who, citing hope over experience, bravely visited the singles group on multiple occasions, said, “It’s not like I’m asking for much. At least the guys pictured on the website look like they know how to tuck their shirt into their pants better than a middle schooler on picture day. I mean, come on.”
Asked to explain the brutal bait-and-switch, the church’s very average-looking singles minister responded, “We used the pictures that came with the WordPress template. You mean you can change those? Can you show me how?”