SANTA MONICA, CA - After a long engagement with secular culture, Brimstone Community Church married the godless culture in a heartfelt ceremony over the weekend.

The church engaged the culture ten years ago and finally married it, promising to be united with its values and morals "for life."

"We've been engaging culture so long, it seemed like it was high time to just tie the knot," said Pastor Judd Miles. "It started with a little flirting - using clips from Marvel movies, renovating our building to look like a shopping mall - and our romance just blossomed from there."

"It was clear from the beginning we were meant for each other," he added.

The church and culture are said to have an "open marriage," in which the culture can totally turn on Christian values at any time. "It's OK - I know deep down that the culture loves us, even though it often seems diametrically opposed to the gospel of Jesus Christ. We're cool with it, as long as the culture tips its hat to us once in a while to let us know how cool we are."

At publishing time, the church had announced its pending divorce from the biblical gospel.