WASHINGTON, D.C.—After learning they lost control of the House of Representatives, Republican congressional leaders issued a statement confirming they were just about to defund Planned Parenthood as promised but now will have to wait until the next time they control literally everything in Washington.
"Man, we were totally about to defund it too," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "So close. I guess now that we lost the House, we'll just have to keep using the issue to rile up our conservative voter base, promising to do it next time we control the entire federal government."
"Them's the breaks," he added, shrugging.
Republican leaders also suggested that next time they'll need more than majorities in the House and Senate, a conservative Supreme Court, and the White House to get the job done. "I'm thinking if we can get around 115 seats in the Senate and somewhere around 500 seats in the House, we could pull the trigger on defunding Planned Parenthood," said Rep. Steve Scalise. "Maybe if we had two Republican presidents at the same time, too. That couldn't hurt. And 10 conservative Supreme Court justices. Yeah, we'd definitely do it then."
"We totally will not pull away the football this time, pro-lifers, so keep funnelling your votes our way," he added.