ANCHORAGE, ALASKA — Christmas 2023 has been canceled after Sam Brinton stole Santa Claus' sack. Brinton, Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Office of Spent Fuel, was seen on security footage taking the sack from Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport on Saturday afternoon.
"We are sorry to announce that Christmas has been canceled," said a spokesman for the Office of Santa Claus. "A magical bottomless sack of that sort is one of a kind, and we cannot get another on such short notice. What kind of sicko would steal Santa's sack?!"
Authorities say Brinton is still at large and the location of the sack remains unknown.
Several parents criticized Brinton, the energy official suspected in other thefts of suitcases and bags across the country. "He's stolen suitcases, and now he's stolen Christmas," said Peter Sarver, a father of two. "Looking into the eyes of my little ones and telling them there's no Christmas this year will be brutal."
Others were hesitant to judge Brinton. "Brinton is non-binary, so I'm sure he had a good reason," said trans activist Camilla Partridge. "It's literally impossible for non-binary people to do bad things, and we endanger thousands of vulnerable non-binary children by accusing Sam of wrongdoing."
Biden has announced an effort under the Defense Production Act to source another sack in time for Christmas, but experts predict the effort will fail. "There just isn't enough time," said Lockheed Martin CEO Jim Taiclet.
At publishing time, several witnesses reported seeing Brinton in the Alaskan wilderness trying on several new Christmas gifts.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
