SAN ANTONIO, TX — Vice President Kamala Harris recently visited the home of WNBA star Brittney Griner to welcome her back to the US after her release from a Russian prison. After greeting Griner with a hug, Harris slapped handcuffs on her and tossed her into the back of a waiting police cruiser.
"Well, that's another dangerous drug offender off the streets," exclaimed Harris to a shocked crowd. "I locked up over 1,900 black people for nonviolent marijuana offenses during my career as the San Francisco district attorney. I've got to tell you, it feels great to be back in the saddle again!"
Harris went on to explain how important it was for the Biden administration to bring Griner home. "The United States has built the finest prisons in the world for the benefit of our pot-smoking black citizens," Harris said. "There's no way we could let one of our own languish in a subpar Russian prison instead of here at home, in jail, where she belongs!"
Fans of the WNBA were saddened by the news but said they are looking forward to seeing Griner play in the upcoming California Women's Prison Basketball League. "It will be nice to have a non-trans woman who can dunk for once," said inmate Shirley Jenkins.
At publishing time, LeBron James was spotted sifting through his trash to dig out the "Free Brittney Griner" t-shirt he threw away last week.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: