Health
China Claims No New Deaths As Peasant Passes By Shouting 'Bring Out Your Dead!'

BEIJING—China has once again claimed no new deaths by coronavirus today, drawing praise from the American media.

President Xi Jinping made the extraordinary claim even as a peasant pushed a cart filled with dead bodies behind him, shouting, "Bring out your dead!" the entire time.

"No, no one is dead," President Xi assured the media. "We have completely cured everything." The communist dictator claimed they have cured the virus using sheep's bladders, which they also use to prevent earthquakes. His scientists also discovered the earth to be banana-shaped.

As he continued to claim everything is perfectly fine in China, the dead collector went from house to house collecting the dead behind him and even assisting when people were only mostly dead and not all dead.

"I said no one is dead!" President Xi insisted.

"He says no one's dead," the body collector said to his cart pusher. 

"Well, he can't be trusted," the cart pusher replied. "He's not fooling anyone, you know."

The hapless peasants were then hit on the head with a club and loaded into the cart with the others.

"We apologize for the peasants pushing that cart that was absolutely not filled with bodies," President Xi said. "Those responsible have been sacked."

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