NEW YORK, NY—Former president of Planned Parenthood Cecile Richards is furious that Kermit Gosnell got his own movie starring Dean Cain.
"This is sexism, pure and simple,” Richards said. “Across the board, any way you measure it, I have a much higher body count on my record than this Gosnell amateur. It doesn’t even compare, honestly.” Richards scoffed at the film’s title, Gosnell: the Trial of America’s Biggest Serial Killer. “If this four-eyed chubster is America’s Biggest serial killer, what am I? Freaking Zeus? Do people even realize how many abortions happened on my watch?”
Richards then imitated a machine gun firing rapidly “B-B-B-B-B-BAM! Bodies to the sky, suckers. I was the freaking king.”
She said there wasn’t any kind of abortion services she wasn’t proud to take part in. “Late-term, partial birth, standing on your head while juggling, back alley, on a roof, hang gliding, on the cob, in a box, with a fox, a la carte...” Richards continued listing various types of abortions for some time, then descended into laughter and heavy breathing.
Richards also announced that she could produce an infant body part collection that made Gosnell’s look like a “little trike with training wheels.” “Gosnell is a tater tot. I’m the real deal. I’m the kingpin. The big cheese. The Pablo Escobar of Abortion. The biggest pro in the pro-choice movement.” After completely losing her mind, Richards was dragged away by security screaming, “I’m the champion! I’m the champion! I love Dean Cain! I should be hanging out with Dean Cain!”